Author Topic: shitty jokes (Read 10592 times)

ZomB · « **on:** February 21, 2006, 02:49:14 AM »

yes, im bringing it back!

a man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "And I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Ikkunaprinsessa · « **Reply #1 on:** February 21, 2006, 03:06:56 AM »

I'm sure alot of you have heard this, I have 3 times already, but it's a good one.

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Errin · « **Reply #2 on:** February 21, 2006, 04:49:03 PM »

hahahahahahahahaha! thats so funny.

EDIT: WHAT DO YOU GET WITH SURPRISE PEAS?

WET LEGS!

Tauriainen · « **Reply #3 on:** February 23, 2006, 03:52:51 AM »

The Raise...

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Yours truly,

Penis

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

Errin · « **Reply #4 on:** February 25, 2006, 07:40:58 PM »

ZomB · « **Reply #5 on:** February 26, 2006, 05:49:08 PM »

did you hear about the emo pizza?

- it cuts itself.

ZomB · « **Reply #6 on:** March 03, 2006, 12:31:29 AM »

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile,
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means
'Thank
Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

Alone I Break · « **Reply #7 on:** May 08, 2006, 10:54:16 PM »

How do you make a donkey laugh?

Tell him your dick is bigger than his.

How do you make the donkey cry?

Show him your dick.

LonelyRoad · « **Reply #8 on:** May 09, 2006, 03:48:11 AM »

why was 6 afraid of 7?

cuz 7 8 9...

::RACIST::
what did the nigger say when he had diahreah?

IMM MELTING!!!!!!

what do you call a black preist?

Holy Shit.

ZomB · « **Reply #9 on:** May 12, 2006, 08:40:24 PM »

so this elephant says to this camel "why are your tits on your back? and the camel replies "i dont know, why is your dick on your face?" heehee

Errin · « **Reply #10 on:** May 13, 2006, 03:39:59 PM »

that's great,

ZomB · « **Reply #11 on:** February 14, 2007, 02:28:30 AM »

what do you call someone who puts poison in a persons cornflakes? - a cereal killer!

where do hamburgers go to dance?
- to a meat ball!

why wouldnt the skeleton cross the road?
- he didnt have the guts!

why didnt the skeleton go to the party?
- he had noBODY to go with!

what do you call a fairy who wont take a bath?
- stinkerbell!

why are there gates around cemeteries?
- because people are dying to get in!

i'll shall be back with more! *muahahahhaha*

Jerry Lee · « **Reply #12 on:** February 14, 2007, 02:50:18 AM »

I giggle.

Jay · « **Reply #13 on:** February 14, 2007, 12:29:11 PM »

Why did the leper leave the hockey game early?

- There was a face-off in the corner

Why did the leper leave the party early?

- He was mistaken for bean dip

Sorry, I'm low on fuel this morning....

Errin · « **Reply #14 on:** February 14, 2007, 02:33:52 PM »

Oh.. thats baaaad.
*secret giggle*

S. Carnage Esq. · « **Reply #15 on:** February 14, 2007, 08:23:38 PM »

[For words that aren't spelled right, imagine them in the most racist black accent you can think of]

At a prodominently black school in Queens, it's graduation day. Everyone at the school is receiving a diploma, except for the star basketball player Rodney.

Everyone is shouting at the principal:

Crowd: Give Rodney a chance! Give Rodney a chance!

Principal: Okay Rodney, if you can answer this kestion, youze can get youze deploma and youze can gajate. What, is two plus two?

Rodney: Uh, 22?

Principal: WRONG!! Now youze ain't gonna get youze deploma and youze ain't gonna gajate.

Crowd: Give Rodney a chance! Give Rodney another chance!

Principal: Okay Rodney, if you can answer this kestion, youze can get youze deploma and youze can gajate. What is the square root of 49?

Rodney: Uh, x?

Principal: WRONG!! Now youze ain't gonna get youze deploma and youze ain't gonna gajate.

Crowd: Give Rodney a chance! Give Rodney another Chance!

Principal: Okay Rodney, this is your last kestion. If you can answer this kestion, youze can get youze deploma and youze can gajate. What is 3 times 3?

Rodney: Uh, 9?

Crowd: Give Rodney a chance, give Rodney another chance!

RAZORBLADEKISSES · « **Reply #16 on:** February 19, 2007, 01:46:59 AM »

Ok I have one of thee worst racial jokes I heard from my BF Justin the other day. Warning if you are easily offended don't read. It's not ment to be takin seriously.

You know walking into a welfare office and looking at the people in line are alot
like listening to your sprinkler. . .

Chink , chink, chink, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga,nigga, spic!!!!

(I know messed up but it was funny at the time. OK next bunch of random jokes.)

How many swedes does it take to make a funeral ?

6 to carry the coffin and one to carry the corpse.

How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man?

How many jews can you fit in a VolksWagon?
All of them if you put them in the ashtray.

Jay · « **Reply #17 on:** February 20, 2007, 10:49:23 PM »

I always liked the joke my dad told me:

When white babies die, they get wings and become angels.

When black babies die, they get wings and become bats.

Jerry Lee · « **Reply #18 on:** February 20, 2007, 10:56:54 PM »

HAHA

Damn bats

RAZORBLADEKISSES · « **Reply #19 on:** February 21, 2007, 06:11:33 AM »

Haha awesome joke Jay

Ok heres another one

What do you get when you cross a jew and a gypsy?
A chain of empty retail stores.

Aimilian0s · « **Reply #20 on:** April 01, 2007, 07:44:22 PM »

Mini Mouse to Mickey Mouse "OMG,R U F*CKING CRAZY?!?!?!"
Mickey to Mini "No,I'm f*cking Daisy"

Umberlee · « **Reply #21 on:** July 08, 2007, 08:27:39 PM »

Two snowmen are standing in a field and snowman 1 keeps sniffing the air. Snowman 2 asks him "what are you doing?" Snowman 1 "don't you smell that?" Snowman 2 "Smell what?" Snowman 1 "It smells like carrots out here."

Errin · « **Reply #22 on:** July 09, 2007, 06:19:48 PM »

*slow applause*

Heard this the other day. Awful, but I giggled

why did John Lennon get shot?
Yoko ducked

Umberlee · « **Reply #23 on:** July 09, 2007, 11:39:49 PM »

I heard this one today.

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was taken.

Errin · « **Reply #24 on:** July 10, 2007, 05:09:00 PM »

I have to say that I truly believe I do not suffer the grumpy stroppy-ness of pms.

Author Topic: shitty jokes (Read 10592 times)

Ikkunaprinsessa